pardon my venting....

im tired.

im tired of trying.

im tired of getting hurt

and i am so tired of crying.

by the way, i cant believe i have christmas music on and im crying!! this is unheard of.

i feel like i have no one. i feel like my problem is so small and unimportant compared to other problems in the world and  in the lives of people around me. but im still hurting.

im tired of investing in people. im tired of investing in people and not being invested in. its not fair. i was always taught to give with out expecting to receive but no one tells you how hard it is when you give and give and give to people to receive close to nothing back.

im tired of hurting. why do i let people into my heart that are no where deserving of  it? all i want to do is love someone and be loved back. i have SO MUCH to offer. i was even told that by someone i was trying to offer everything to. and then he just hands my love back to me and says "no thanks". that hurts! i know that there is a bigger picture and i know that there are lessons to be learned before we can truly have all of the gifts God has planned for our lives but why must it hurt so bad?

i hate that when i start to really take care of me and my needs someone comes along and sweeps me up, or should i say i sweep myself up in that person. in July i was in a great place. losing weight, creating healthy friendships, and living a productive life. then came along someone that i gave every bit of my attention to. its what i do,. I AM A GIVER. it is natural for me. but also bad for me. i give and i give and i give.

even after we have been broken up, i keep giving!!! i want to let go. i want to forget. i want to be done. but for some stupid reason i cant let it go. even after talking with him and hearing how he really feels nothing, doesnt really care, im not his concern anymore. but once he is lonely or "misses me" i have a text from him and i flock to him. or clear my schedule to be there for him. I KEEP GIVING.

this is nonesense. and completely horrible "blogging etiquette" but it was either word vomiting all over my blog or writing something stupid and juvenille on Facebook. i will take word vomiting on blog way over future drama over facebook posts.

the phrase that keeps going through my head is "I Dont Know What To Do" with my feelings, with my thoughts, with my future, with my right now.

and i just realized right now as i was typing ^^^^^ those words right there that i am looking in the completely wrong place for the answer.

tonight those words were soaring around in my head and so i text my ex boyfriend of a whopping two weeks and started venting to him and asking HIM what i should do. he OF COURSE didnt have anything helpful to say. and really just irritated me even more. as soon as we got off the phone i just bawled. i bawled for a good 20 minutes. had no one to call, no one to vent to, and almost posted stupid things on facebook.

lesson one: dont vent or confide over breakup to exboyfriend. (stupid girl)

im tired of typing and kind of out of words at the moment. this is a ridiculous blog. so sorry if you wasted your time reading it. im going to go listen to Christmas music and probably eat a bowl or two of cereal.