im tired.
im tired of trying.
im tired of getting hurt
and i am so tired of crying.
by the way, i cant believe i have christmas music on and im crying!! this is unheard of.
i feel like i have no one. i feel like my problem is so small and unimportant compared to other problems in the world and in the lives of people around me. but im still hurting.
im tired of investing in people. im tired of investing in people and not being invested in. its not fair. i was always taught to give with out expecting to receive but no one tells you how hard it is when you give and give and give to people to receive close to nothing back.
im tired of hurting. why do i let people into my heart that are no where deserving of it? all i want to do is love someone and be loved back. i have SO MUCH to offer. i was even told that by someone i was trying to offer everything to. and then he just hands my love back to me and says "no thanks". that hurts! i know that there is a bigger picture and i know that there are lessons to be learned before we can truly have all of the gifts God has planned for our lives but why must it hurt so bad?
i hate that when i start to really take care of me and my needs someone comes along and sweeps me up, or should i say i sweep myself up in that person. in July i was in a great place. losing weight, creating healthy friendships, and living a productive life. then came along someone that i gave every bit of my attention to. its what i do,. I AM A GIVER. it is natural for me. but also bad for me. i give and i give and i give.
even after we have been broken up, i keep giving!!! i want to let go. i want to forget. i want to be done. but for some stupid reason i cant let it go. even after talking with him and hearing how he really feels nothing, doesnt really care, im not his concern anymore. but once he is lonely or "misses me" i have a text from him and i flock to him. or clear my schedule to be there for him. I KEEP GIVING.
this is nonesense. and completely horrible "blogging etiquette" but it was either word vomiting all over my blog or writing something stupid and juvenille on Facebook. i will take word vomiting on blog way over future drama over facebook posts.
the phrase that keeps going through my head is "I Dont Know What To Do" with my feelings, with my thoughts, with my future, with my right now.
and i just realized right now as i was typing ^^^^^ those words right there that i am looking in the completely wrong place for the answer.
tonight those words were soaring around in my head and so i text my ex boyfriend of a whopping two weeks and started venting to him and asking HIM what i should do. he OF COURSE didnt have anything helpful to say. and really just irritated me even more. as soon as we got off the phone i just bawled. i bawled for a good 20 minutes. had no one to call, no one to vent to, and almost posted stupid things on facebook.
lesson one: dont vent or confide over breakup to exboyfriend. (stupid girl)
im tired of typing and kind of out of words at the moment. this is a ridiculous blog. so sorry if you wasted your time reading it. im going to go listen to Christmas music and probably eat a bowl or two of cereal.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
7:I'M BACK! .... again..... :]
Oh man, how things have changed.
Can i please just start out by saying that God is amazing and i am so thankful for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that is in my life. i really dont know where i would be without the encouragement and prayers i have received from so many awesome people.
its been a rough road being back in costa mesa but such a learning experience and so many great things have come out of it. for starters, I have found a new healthy hobby to do with my time. Line dancing has been such an answer to so many prayers. as some of you may know, my old habits were starting to creep back into my life. i found myself at the bar one too many times with one too many drinks in me. Fortunately, i never went completely back to the dark side. i always had my head on my shoulders and wanted to fix it before it took over my life again. Although line dancing does occur at a "country bar" i have no desire to drink when im there. i have learned quite a few line dances and get a great workout from it. my best friends and i go at least 3-5 times a week. it has been such a great positive influence on my life. and i look forward to great experiences and relationships that come out of it in the future.
i finally have an almost full time job. i love working for 24 hour fitness in the kids club but the only unfortunate thing is that it only pays minimum wage. luckily loving my job is more important than money to me but at the end of the month when rent is due money is kind of important. and the past few months have been difficult but i am lucky enough to have an amazing roommate that has been such a blessing and encouraging friend the past few months. i am determined to make it work and stick to this lease. no running away or giving up!
i am looking forward to visiting all of my amazing friends in chico soon!! i miss their beautiful, encouraging, and positive energies in my life. i wish i would have stayed in touch with more of them but i know when i visit it will be like i never left. :] love you girls! see you in october!!
i think i am ready to try planting my feet in a home church. ive done a lot of self growth and soul searching and realized that its all for nothing if im not seeking God's will in my life. i really want to start going to a bible study and try to fill my life with loving and encouraging people. Life is so much better when people arent being hateful, selfish, and judgmental. i need friends that want the best for me and encourage positive light on my life. i know i already have some amazing people in my life but imagine how awesome life would be with even more!!
im really missing my siblings the past couple of weeks. i visited my sister, Natalie, recently and she was so encouraging. really being honest with me and encouraging me to continue making the right choices in life. my brother and sister in law's recent move to Arkansas has been tough on me as well. i miss them so much everyday. i dont think i have ever missed my older brother, Kyle, before in my life! but now i really miss him. he is always so entertaining and refreshing. and my sister in law Holly is always so encouraging and always wants the best for me. my little brother Jonathan has been away at a training boot camp for the Army. he will be home soon and i cant wait to see him!
so this post is just a lot of random thoughts and not very structured but thats kind of how i feel right now. just a lot of ideas and feelings going in and out of my brain and i needed a place to put them. im hoping to continue blogging as the summer comes to an end and the holidays start to approach us.
there are just so many great things happening in my life and i cant wait to share it all with you!
Can i please just start out by saying that God is amazing and i am so thankful for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that is in my life. i really dont know where i would be without the encouragement and prayers i have received from so many awesome people.
its been a rough road being back in costa mesa but such a learning experience and so many great things have come out of it. for starters, I have found a new healthy hobby to do with my time. Line dancing has been such an answer to so many prayers. as some of you may know, my old habits were starting to creep back into my life. i found myself at the bar one too many times with one too many drinks in me. Fortunately, i never went completely back to the dark side. i always had my head on my shoulders and wanted to fix it before it took over my life again. Although line dancing does occur at a "country bar" i have no desire to drink when im there. i have learned quite a few line dances and get a great workout from it. my best friends and i go at least 3-5 times a week. it has been such a great positive influence on my life. and i look forward to great experiences and relationships that come out of it in the future.
i finally have an almost full time job. i love working for 24 hour fitness in the kids club but the only unfortunate thing is that it only pays minimum wage. luckily loving my job is more important than money to me but at the end of the month when rent is due money is kind of important. and the past few months have been difficult but i am lucky enough to have an amazing roommate that has been such a blessing and encouraging friend the past few months. i am determined to make it work and stick to this lease. no running away or giving up!
i am looking forward to visiting all of my amazing friends in chico soon!! i miss their beautiful, encouraging, and positive energies in my life. i wish i would have stayed in touch with more of them but i know when i visit it will be like i never left. :] love you girls! see you in october!!
i think i am ready to try planting my feet in a home church. ive done a lot of self growth and soul searching and realized that its all for nothing if im not seeking God's will in my life. i really want to start going to a bible study and try to fill my life with loving and encouraging people. Life is so much better when people arent being hateful, selfish, and judgmental. i need friends that want the best for me and encourage positive light on my life. i know i already have some amazing people in my life but imagine how awesome life would be with even more!!
im really missing my siblings the past couple of weeks. i visited my sister, Natalie, recently and she was so encouraging. really being honest with me and encouraging me to continue making the right choices in life. my brother and sister in law's recent move to Arkansas has been tough on me as well. i miss them so much everyday. i dont think i have ever missed my older brother, Kyle, before in my life! but now i really miss him. he is always so entertaining and refreshing. and my sister in law Holly is always so encouraging and always wants the best for me. my little brother Jonathan has been away at a training boot camp for the Army. he will be home soon and i cant wait to see him!
so this post is just a lot of random thoughts and not very structured but thats kind of how i feel right now. just a lot of ideas and feelings going in and out of my brain and i needed a place to put them. im hoping to continue blogging as the summer comes to an end and the holidays start to approach us.
there are just so many great things happening in my life and i cant wait to share it all with you!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
6:____ is > ______ (fill in the blanks)
hello readers,
im back. Back from being gone for a long time. im sorry for those who missed me. A lot has changed. A lot. For the better, I believe. Some might not agree but they will get over it.
Now i know my past posts seemed extremely positive....which is fine, and i was always honest. but NOW, now its time to be real. this is me, Candace Cook, writing to you, The Reader.
A month ago i moved back to southern california from Chico. at first, i wasnt too sure about it. i made a few mistakes at first. but it was different this time. instead of blowing off my faults and missteps i acknowledged them and FELT the pain. which was new for me. i was ashamed of my past and what seemed to be my present. but then i realized that LIFE didnt have to be this. I was making it into this and making it STAY like this. so i decided that LIFE was >(greater than) my poor choices. so i changed them.
i knew moving back home would be a challenge. not just going back to my bar, or my friends, but also my family. it was hard. they only knew what i had told them and what they knew i was writing on here. but it was so much bigger than that. it was such a struggle living away from them and my life. the hardest part was seeing the disapproval form back in my families eyes as i disappeared for weekends at a time to go back to costa mesa to see friends. i always thought to myself "if only they knew what's really going on". because they didnt. so i learned that FAMILY is > secrets. so i opened up. i was honest. it lead to a few quarrels. but in the end i know it made certain relationships stronger. and then i learned that being HONEST is > lies and assumptions.
so im unemployed....weirdest thing in my life right now. i feel like im wandering....with no direction. which is hard for a girl like me. i like direction. i like structure. but the past few weeks im learning that TIME is > no time at all. life is so short....always heard that being said...never felt it till now. im not wasting another minute. i may not have a job but that doesnt mean i dont have a voice, or feet, or hands.....use them! experience things that still exist....make things that dont already exist..... LIVING is> wasting life. so dont.
now some may notice that in the past im talking about God and Jesus alot. and quoting the bible. well, i still LOVE God and Jesus VERY much. but im trying to find my OWN direction. im in the middle of a church hunt. i need a place to worship where i am comfortable and dont already have an established rank because of my last name. I need a place where i can be myself and dont already have my story written for me. a SACRED PLACE with broken people is > a FANCY BUILDING with fancy people.
i hope you all understand where im going with this. im just being real. im being honest. im being ME.
so what would you fill the blanks in with? ______ is > _______
im back. Back from being gone for a long time. im sorry for those who missed me. A lot has changed. A lot. For the better, I believe. Some might not agree but they will get over it.
Now i know my past posts seemed extremely positive....which is fine, and i was always honest. but NOW, now its time to be real. this is me, Candace Cook, writing to you, The Reader.
A month ago i moved back to southern california from Chico. at first, i wasnt too sure about it. i made a few mistakes at first. but it was different this time. instead of blowing off my faults and missteps i acknowledged them and FELT the pain. which was new for me. i was ashamed of my past and what seemed to be my present. but then i realized that LIFE didnt have to be this. I was making it into this and making it STAY like this. so i decided that LIFE was >(greater than) my poor choices. so i changed them.
i knew moving back home would be a challenge. not just going back to my bar, or my friends, but also my family. it was hard. they only knew what i had told them and what they knew i was writing on here. but it was so much bigger than that. it was such a struggle living away from them and my life. the hardest part was seeing the disapproval form back in my families eyes as i disappeared for weekends at a time to go back to costa mesa to see friends. i always thought to myself "if only they knew what's really going on". because they didnt. so i learned that FAMILY is > secrets. so i opened up. i was honest. it lead to a few quarrels. but in the end i know it made certain relationships stronger. and then i learned that being HONEST is > lies and assumptions.
so im unemployed....weirdest thing in my life right now. i feel like im wandering....with no direction. which is hard for a girl like me. i like direction. i like structure. but the past few weeks im learning that TIME is > no time at all. life is so short....always heard that being said...never felt it till now. im not wasting another minute. i may not have a job but that doesnt mean i dont have a voice, or feet, or hands.....use them! experience things that still exist....make things that dont already exist..... LIVING is> wasting life. so dont.
now some may notice that in the past im talking about God and Jesus alot. and quoting the bible. well, i still LOVE God and Jesus VERY much. but im trying to find my OWN direction. im in the middle of a church hunt. i need a place to worship where i am comfortable and dont already have an established rank because of my last name. I need a place where i can be myself and dont already have my story written for me. a SACRED PLACE with broken people is > a FANCY BUILDING with fancy people.
i hope you all understand where im going with this. im just being real. im being honest. im being ME.
so what would you fill the blanks in with? ______ is > _______
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
5:Observations and Milestones
I came up with an analogy yesterday while i was on the phone with a friend back home. we were talking about when i visit home and i go to my old watering hole Patrick's Pub and how i plan on going there but not drinking alcohol. drinking is like a fancy pair of high heel shoes. they are shiny and sparkly and sooo adorable but i know once i put them on i wont be able to walk and i will fall right over and realize i wasted a ton of money buying that pair of shoes. drinking is the same thing to me. it looks so fun and it tastes good and it seems like a great idea but i know, for myself, if i indulge in that life style i will postpone my walk with God and probably fall right over into my old way of life and not to mention the price tag of drinking.
this past week i have found myself living outside my body. i observed my life from the outside in. i learned alot about myself and the people i surround my self with. first of all let me say that i have amazing examples. i love that i have girls my age i can learn from, adults i can learn from and even children. tell me a four year old cant teach you something about living life for Jesus and i will prove you wrong. i have even found great example and guidance in my cousin-in-law that lives in southern California. i think after my last post i needed to evaluate my life and my time here in Chico. (Thank You to everyone that sent words of encouragement and prayers. i know they were answered and i know i am a stronger person because of it.)
i think I'm getting past the phase of my rehabilitation where its temptation that controls me. I'm getting to the point where i have to decide right from wrong. i know my life is better because i have given it up, i know that my relationships are healthier because of it and i know that my future is brighter leaving it behind. but it is so hard to accept God's desires for my life. its like the shoes. it looks so great but sometime you are so blinded by the "fancy fun" that you look past the hurt and pain it causes. i am still tempted, don't get me wrong, but its not as compelling as it was in the beginning. i know that God desires for me to live my life for Him in every aspect and i desire that life too. but i look around me and see all of these Godly people and i become jealous. why cant i be that devoted to God? why cant i just live my life that way and be as happy as they are? why do i have to make it so difficult? and then i realize its because i don't think i am good enough. i don't think i will be able to learn the bible well enough or learn how to pray perfectly. i do want God's desires in my life, i just don't think i am worthy.
thank goodness the bible makes it clear that i am good enough and no sin i have committed is too big to be forgiven. i am so thankful that i have given my life to Him and that from now on my body is filled with the Holy Spirit. i wish i had my bible with me so i could post scripture but unfortunately i am at work right now. but if you know any verses that speak of the Holy Spirit and God's love and grace for us please post them as a comment or email me.
as of tomorrow i will be sober for TWO MONTHS!!! if you know anything about my past year and a half you know that this is kind of a really big deal. it feels so good to have an accomplishment of some sort under my belt. here are a few things that have changed just because i stopped drinking: i have lost weight! i have stopped smoking! i have stopped being promiscuous! i have stopped cursing with my words! and i have learned how to have fun and enjoy my surroundings with out alcohol or drugs involved! i am very excited for this milestone in my life and look forward to another two months!
i have so many great plans for the next month and look forward to sharing my experiences with all of you. i am looking forward to the holiday season that seems to be poking his little head out.
again, thank you to all who encourage me to keep persevering towards my walk with God and encouraging me to stay on the path of sobriety. your prayers couldn't be anymore appreciated! Love you all!
God Bless
this past week i have found myself living outside my body. i observed my life from the outside in. i learned alot about myself and the people i surround my self with. first of all let me say that i have amazing examples. i love that i have girls my age i can learn from, adults i can learn from and even children. tell me a four year old cant teach you something about living life for Jesus and i will prove you wrong. i have even found great example and guidance in my cousin-in-law that lives in southern California. i think after my last post i needed to evaluate my life and my time here in Chico. (Thank You to everyone that sent words of encouragement and prayers. i know they were answered and i know i am a stronger person because of it.)
i think I'm getting past the phase of my rehabilitation where its temptation that controls me. I'm getting to the point where i have to decide right from wrong. i know my life is better because i have given it up, i know that my relationships are healthier because of it and i know that my future is brighter leaving it behind. but it is so hard to accept God's desires for my life. its like the shoes. it looks so great but sometime you are so blinded by the "fancy fun" that you look past the hurt and pain it causes. i am still tempted, don't get me wrong, but its not as compelling as it was in the beginning. i know that God desires for me to live my life for Him in every aspect and i desire that life too. but i look around me and see all of these Godly people and i become jealous. why cant i be that devoted to God? why cant i just live my life that way and be as happy as they are? why do i have to make it so difficult? and then i realize its because i don't think i am good enough. i don't think i will be able to learn the bible well enough or learn how to pray perfectly. i do want God's desires in my life, i just don't think i am worthy.
thank goodness the bible makes it clear that i am good enough and no sin i have committed is too big to be forgiven. i am so thankful that i have given my life to Him and that from now on my body is filled with the Holy Spirit. i wish i had my bible with me so i could post scripture but unfortunately i am at work right now. but if you know any verses that speak of the Holy Spirit and God's love and grace for us please post them as a comment or email me.
as of tomorrow i will be sober for TWO MONTHS!!! if you know anything about my past year and a half you know that this is kind of a really big deal. it feels so good to have an accomplishment of some sort under my belt. here are a few things that have changed just because i stopped drinking: i have lost weight! i have stopped smoking! i have stopped being promiscuous! i have stopped cursing with my words! and i have learned how to have fun and enjoy my surroundings with out alcohol or drugs involved! i am very excited for this milestone in my life and look forward to another two months!
i have so many great plans for the next month and look forward to sharing my experiences with all of you. i am looking forward to the holiday season that seems to be poking his little head out.
again, thank you to all who encourage me to keep persevering towards my walk with God and encouraging me to stay on the path of sobriety. your prayers couldn't be anymore appreciated! Love you all!
God Bless
Friday, October 28, 2011
4:Not Myself This Time
i am going to be honest with you, the past two weeks have been hard. Which is why i havent written a blog in a while. i have thought about i but could never think of a reason or a topic to write about. honestly, i dont really feel like writing this right now but something is pulling me to do so. so here i am writing to you, who ever you are out there.
i feel like im at a stand still. i feel disconnected all of a sudden. im not in the word, im not taking quiet time, and im avoiding group gatherings. i havent slipped up with smoking or drinking. i havent even really been tempted all that much. i just feel like im pulling away from what i used to find comfort in. i started seeing a church pastor for counseling last week. and i have learned so much about my past that i never knew before. im connecting actions i did with things that happened in my childhood. its crazy how we are the product of our raising when we dont even realize it. or when we think we were raised in a perfect family but really no ones perfect.
i have been missing my friends back home A LOT.. i miss the fun we had, alcohol involved or not. i enjoy my new Chico friends too but there is a connection i am missing with them. i have many years with my friends back home and a different relation to them than i do with friends out here. i have learned from moving that i am a person who needs a "best friend". that person that gets you when you speak or when you dont. they know everything about you and love you no matter what you have done. they are there no matter what hour of the night, or morning. i need this connection, this kind of love. and i dont have it here.
one of my biggest fears is not making it up here. my job is already coming to an end most likely this week and i do not have a job lined up to move on to. i honestly dont know what im going to do. i have a business idea that im hoping will launch pretty soon but thats such a risk hoping that people will buy my services and relying on that income for my future. i know i should trust God and know that he is in control but sometimes that is just really hard to do.
i hate that im in such a cynical mood. i hate that i really dont have anything positive for you in this blog. i think this blog is a request. a request for prayer, or support and for love. i need you to pray that god guides me and that i allow Him to guide my life through these hard times. I need you to support me even though im being rather negative. and i need your love so that i know its going to be okay. i just hope that i can get through this rut soon. i hate being mopie or sad.
on a lighter note: as of Wednesday November 2, 2011 i will be sober for 2 months! yay me! im just hoping i dont screw it all up when i go home for thanksgiving. i dont plan on screwing up but mistakes happen.
sorry again for not being my usual self in this post. like i said, i really didnt want to write it but God wanted me to let you know i was having a hard time and needed some support.
so please have a great week and a safe Halloween. i will be wearing cat ears and drawing a face on myself, thats about it. =]
God Bless
i feel like im at a stand still. i feel disconnected all of a sudden. im not in the word, im not taking quiet time, and im avoiding group gatherings. i havent slipped up with smoking or drinking. i havent even really been tempted all that much. i just feel like im pulling away from what i used to find comfort in. i started seeing a church pastor for counseling last week. and i have learned so much about my past that i never knew before. im connecting actions i did with things that happened in my childhood. its crazy how we are the product of our raising when we dont even realize it. or when we think we were raised in a perfect family but really no ones perfect.
i have been missing my friends back home A LOT.. i miss the fun we had, alcohol involved or not. i enjoy my new Chico friends too but there is a connection i am missing with them. i have many years with my friends back home and a different relation to them than i do with friends out here. i have learned from moving that i am a person who needs a "best friend". that person that gets you when you speak or when you dont. they know everything about you and love you no matter what you have done. they are there no matter what hour of the night, or morning. i need this connection, this kind of love. and i dont have it here.
one of my biggest fears is not making it up here. my job is already coming to an end most likely this week and i do not have a job lined up to move on to. i honestly dont know what im going to do. i have a business idea that im hoping will launch pretty soon but thats such a risk hoping that people will buy my services and relying on that income for my future. i know i should trust God and know that he is in control but sometimes that is just really hard to do.
i hate that im in such a cynical mood. i hate that i really dont have anything positive for you in this blog. i think this blog is a request. a request for prayer, or support and for love. i need you to pray that god guides me and that i allow Him to guide my life through these hard times. I need you to support me even though im being rather negative. and i need your love so that i know its going to be okay. i just hope that i can get through this rut soon. i hate being mopie or sad.
on a lighter note: as of Wednesday November 2, 2011 i will be sober for 2 months! yay me! im just hoping i dont screw it all up when i go home for thanksgiving. i dont plan on screwing up but mistakes happen.
sorry again for not being my usual self in this post. like i said, i really didnt want to write it but God wanted me to let you know i was having a hard time and needed some support.
so please have a great week and a safe Halloween. i will be wearing cat ears and drawing a face on myself, thats about it. =]
God Bless
Saturday, October 15, 2011
3:Accepting the Struggle
"The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory for ever and ever. Amen" - 2 Timothy 4:18
i feel like society tells us to not show our weakness, to not let others know we struggle, and to "fake" it if we have to. i hate this about society.
this week was a very rough one. i struggled a lot. and i have no problem admitting that. i struggled and felt like i was fighting a battle but i came out so much stronger than i started out.
my cousin and her family went out of town this week so i had the house to myself. i was really excited to enjoy some silence and to just relax and enjoy my time alone. but it turned into isolation. before i left for norcal my therapist told me that isolation was something i didnt want to get myself into. i would find negative comfort in it and be drawn to it and thats exactly what happened.
it doesnt help that i had just started watching The Office from season one last week and was determined to finish all 7 seasons ASAP.
so the first night they were gone i declared it a night for The Office marathon. i ate cereal and laid in bed till 2 in the morning while watching episode after episode of The Office. it didnt bother me the first night. but then i noticed that the next day i struggled with my cigarette addiction again. i gave in. i smoked an entire cigarette....i was ashamed. and i didnt know why i gave in so easily.
the next night i was supposed to go to the CRU meeting on campus but i couldnt stop thinking about going home after work and watching The Office. now i know this sounds ridiculous but i swear i have a point. so after work i went straight home and watch probably about 5 or 6 episodes. the next day i felt even worse. i dont know if it was the lack of sleep or the lack of something else. i had ditched God and community with friends for a tv show.
i didnt want to admit it but i was struggling. i felt it on thursday. after work i was determined to go home and continue my marathon. but God had other plans. On my way home I smoked another cigarette. and felt no remorse. i didnt pray first and i didnt ask God to help me fight it. I just did it and it turned out i didnt even notice that i passed my exit on the freeway. I knew there was a community group meeting going on at the "Girl's CRU house" which was on the next exit after mine so i headed over, even though i really didnt want to. all i wanted to do was go home but something was drawing me to their house. i even almost started crying. i was about to break down and God knew i needed support from people who loved me.
when i got to the house i sat in my car for a little while and made a phone call. i called my friends back home who happened to be going to my favorite pub that night. it made me so sad and so home sick. i was jealous. i was tired of fighting the cravings and fighting against what I wanted. I was being worn down by the battle. i was at a breaking point.
when i finally decided to get out of my car and go inside i could hear that the girls were still in their meeting and i didnt want to interrupt so i talked to one of my friends who was in the kitchen about how i was feeling. it felt good to say how i was feeling out loud but i still felt resistant to what God was wanting me to get out of that night.
i decided to go up stairs to one of the other girls rooms and talk to her. This friend was the first friend i made in chico. she knows my whole story of where i have been and where i want to go with my life. she is my rock when i need it and an amazing support system for me. (if your reading this, i love you girl) =]
so when i sat down on her bed i just started talking. i poured out everything that was going on. i admitted my struggles and how worn down i was. i was tired. tired of fighting the devil and his temptations. i was ready to give in. i was ready to give up the battle. but she told me i couldnt. i needed to keep leaning on the Lord and keep my eye on the prize. eventually it turned into four of us girls talking on her bed and me telling them how i felt about my past and things ive been through and my fears for the future and my fears for my life. at the end of our talk they prayed over me. after the prayer i felt renewed.
i felt like God had revived me. He gave me new energy, He gave me a new outlook. I still have things i will struggle with and forks in my road that i will have to actually LISTEN to God and hear what he is telling me to do. but i am absolutely in love with the idea that God loves me enough to lead ME on the path of righteousness. i love knowing that God will ALWAYS be there when i feel alone and will ALWAYS give me the strength to continue my battle even when my feet feel like they wont walk another step. this, my friends, is the best feeling in the world.
"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness."-Psalm 41:1-3
read this verse more than once. think about it for a while. what do you picture? i picture myself in the midst of my struggles. Having a really hard time with temptation and God helping me over come those. i see God using this verse in my life a lot right now. God has delivered me in times of trouble and helped me fight the battle of good against all that is evil. and this week i got really tired and worn down but God was there carrying me through it while i gained my strength back.
What has God helped you through? Has He carried you through a battle field knowing you were becoming too weak to do it on your own? This is my challenge to you for this week, keep listening and learning how to identify moments in your life where God is helping you through a tough time. I think sometimes we dont realize how close He actually is.
-God Bless
i feel like society tells us to not show our weakness, to not let others know we struggle, and to "fake" it if we have to. i hate this about society.
this week was a very rough one. i struggled a lot. and i have no problem admitting that. i struggled and felt like i was fighting a battle but i came out so much stronger than i started out.
my cousin and her family went out of town this week so i had the house to myself. i was really excited to enjoy some silence and to just relax and enjoy my time alone. but it turned into isolation. before i left for norcal my therapist told me that isolation was something i didnt want to get myself into. i would find negative comfort in it and be drawn to it and thats exactly what happened.
it doesnt help that i had just started watching The Office from season one last week and was determined to finish all 7 seasons ASAP.
so the first night they were gone i declared it a night for The Office marathon. i ate cereal and laid in bed till 2 in the morning while watching episode after episode of The Office. it didnt bother me the first night. but then i noticed that the next day i struggled with my cigarette addiction again. i gave in. i smoked an entire cigarette....i was ashamed. and i didnt know why i gave in so easily.
the next night i was supposed to go to the CRU meeting on campus but i couldnt stop thinking about going home after work and watching The Office. now i know this sounds ridiculous but i swear i have a point. so after work i went straight home and watch probably about 5 or 6 episodes. the next day i felt even worse. i dont know if it was the lack of sleep or the lack of something else. i had ditched God and community with friends for a tv show.
i didnt want to admit it but i was struggling. i felt it on thursday. after work i was determined to go home and continue my marathon. but God had other plans. On my way home I smoked another cigarette. and felt no remorse. i didnt pray first and i didnt ask God to help me fight it. I just did it and it turned out i didnt even notice that i passed my exit on the freeway. I knew there was a community group meeting going on at the "Girl's CRU house" which was on the next exit after mine so i headed over, even though i really didnt want to. all i wanted to do was go home but something was drawing me to their house. i even almost started crying. i was about to break down and God knew i needed support from people who loved me.
when i got to the house i sat in my car for a little while and made a phone call. i called my friends back home who happened to be going to my favorite pub that night. it made me so sad and so home sick. i was jealous. i was tired of fighting the cravings and fighting against what I wanted. I was being worn down by the battle. i was at a breaking point.
when i finally decided to get out of my car and go inside i could hear that the girls were still in their meeting and i didnt want to interrupt so i talked to one of my friends who was in the kitchen about how i was feeling. it felt good to say how i was feeling out loud but i still felt resistant to what God was wanting me to get out of that night.
i decided to go up stairs to one of the other girls rooms and talk to her. This friend was the first friend i made in chico. she knows my whole story of where i have been and where i want to go with my life. she is my rock when i need it and an amazing support system for me. (if your reading this, i love you girl) =]
so when i sat down on her bed i just started talking. i poured out everything that was going on. i admitted my struggles and how worn down i was. i was tired. tired of fighting the devil and his temptations. i was ready to give in. i was ready to give up the battle. but she told me i couldnt. i needed to keep leaning on the Lord and keep my eye on the prize. eventually it turned into four of us girls talking on her bed and me telling them how i felt about my past and things ive been through and my fears for the future and my fears for my life. at the end of our talk they prayed over me. after the prayer i felt renewed.
i felt like God had revived me. He gave me new energy, He gave me a new outlook. I still have things i will struggle with and forks in my road that i will have to actually LISTEN to God and hear what he is telling me to do. but i am absolutely in love with the idea that God loves me enough to lead ME on the path of righteousness. i love knowing that God will ALWAYS be there when i feel alone and will ALWAYS give me the strength to continue my battle even when my feet feel like they wont walk another step. this, my friends, is the best feeling in the world.
"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness."-Psalm 41:1-3
read this verse more than once. think about it for a while. what do you picture? i picture myself in the midst of my struggles. Having a really hard time with temptation and God helping me over come those. i see God using this verse in my life a lot right now. God has delivered me in times of trouble and helped me fight the battle of good against all that is evil. and this week i got really tired and worn down but God was there carrying me through it while i gained my strength back.
What has God helped you through? Has He carried you through a battle field knowing you were becoming too weak to do it on your own? This is my challenge to you for this week, keep listening and learning how to identify moments in your life where God is helping you through a tough time. I think sometimes we dont realize how close He actually is.
-God Bless
Sunday, October 9, 2011
2:Overcoming the Cravings
If you have ever tried to overcome addiction you know what im going through right now. right now im struggling with three addictions. but im only going to talk about one in this blog.
yesterday i gave into my addiction to cigarettes. i started smoking when i was 18 years old in my senior year of high school. it was very on and off for a few years but in 2010, when i moved to orange county, it pretty much became an everyday thing.
Started out in the bars and when i would drink or hang out with smokers but then i started smoking at work and in my car.
looking back now it made me feel accepted. i was part of the "smokers group". when i was at the bar, i felt like part of the "cool group" because i was a smoker and hanging out with the bartenders on their breaks. or at work i felt accepted because i was invited on the smoke breaks.
so now my identity was becoming "smoker".
when i made my decision to move to Chico i decided that my 8hr drive was my last chance to be a smoker. so i bought two packs assuming i would go through both of them. God, is so amazing. In my eight hours i didnt once think of the cigarettes. i didnt smoke one of them. i couldnt believe it. after that i thought this whole "quiting" thing would be easy.
which it was for about two weeks. after two weeks i had my first craving. so on my way to work i prayed. i asked God to help me over come the craving. even after praying and talking to God i still proceeded to light a cigarette. it tasted familiar but not as familiar as i remembered. i didnt enjoy it. so i smoked half of it and put it out. i felt horrible for doing it but knew that i had, somehow, gotten closer to quiting by reminding myself how awful it tasted.
i called a close friend to confess that i had done what i did and she suggested i throw away the rest of the cigarettes. i did. which costs about $12.
I went another two weeks without cravings. then this week it hit me like a train! every day i had a craving. everyday i thought of going out and buying a pack. but i didnt. until yesterday.
yesterday morning i had to be at work at 6:45am. so i stopped at 7-11 on my way for some coffee. i gave in and bought a pack of cigarettes.
i held the pack in my hand, unopened, for about 10 minutes. then i opened it and prayed. i asked God why i had bought them. why did i give into temptation. and i felt urged to smoke one. for some reason i felt like God was telling me to smoke one. which i could, and probably was, very wrong about that.
so i took one out and held it in my hand for a little while. then put it in my mouth for a few minutes, just letting it sit in between my lips. i could smell the tobacco, taste the filter. it all felt so familiar but foreign at the same time.
then i lit it.... took a puff. and let it out.
it was horrible. more horrible then two weeks before when i smoked one. it was the worst taste i had ever encountered. i only took two more puffs before letting it burn out.
now, im still trying to figure out why i did it or why it was so awful to me now. ive been smoking the same cigarettes for almost a year now. i dont understand why it my opinion of them would change.
Philippians 3: 12-14 says "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
This gives me comfort in Christ to know that I may fail because I havent taken hold of my addictions yet But for as long as i am on the right road and working towards living a life for Christ i will overcome it all.
After i smoked that cigarette I felt a strange comfort. Not a comfort of the cigarette but the comfort of God. Knowing that he forgave me for my actions and knowing that i was one step closer to overcoming my addiction to cigarettes.
I hope you look into your life and think about your addictions. It may not be something destructive like smoking or drinking, but it may be something small that you havent thought of being an addiction. my challenge to you is to address it. Be aware of it. And challenge it. Talk to God about it. Give it to God and watch Him transform your life.
-God Bless
yesterday i gave into my addiction to cigarettes. i started smoking when i was 18 years old in my senior year of high school. it was very on and off for a few years but in 2010, when i moved to orange county, it pretty much became an everyday thing.
Started out in the bars and when i would drink or hang out with smokers but then i started smoking at work and in my car.
looking back now it made me feel accepted. i was part of the "smokers group". when i was at the bar, i felt like part of the "cool group" because i was a smoker and hanging out with the bartenders on their breaks. or at work i felt accepted because i was invited on the smoke breaks.
so now my identity was becoming "smoker".
when i made my decision to move to Chico i decided that my 8hr drive was my last chance to be a smoker. so i bought two packs assuming i would go through both of them. God, is so amazing. In my eight hours i didnt once think of the cigarettes. i didnt smoke one of them. i couldnt believe it. after that i thought this whole "quiting" thing would be easy.
which it was for about two weeks. after two weeks i had my first craving. so on my way to work i prayed. i asked God to help me over come the craving. even after praying and talking to God i still proceeded to light a cigarette. it tasted familiar but not as familiar as i remembered. i didnt enjoy it. so i smoked half of it and put it out. i felt horrible for doing it but knew that i had, somehow, gotten closer to quiting by reminding myself how awful it tasted.
i called a close friend to confess that i had done what i did and she suggested i throw away the rest of the cigarettes. i did. which costs about $12.
I went another two weeks without cravings. then this week it hit me like a train! every day i had a craving. everyday i thought of going out and buying a pack. but i didnt. until yesterday.
yesterday morning i had to be at work at 6:45am. so i stopped at 7-11 on my way for some coffee. i gave in and bought a pack of cigarettes.
i held the pack in my hand, unopened, for about 10 minutes. then i opened it and prayed. i asked God why i had bought them. why did i give into temptation. and i felt urged to smoke one. for some reason i felt like God was telling me to smoke one. which i could, and probably was, very wrong about that.
so i took one out and held it in my hand for a little while. then put it in my mouth for a few minutes, just letting it sit in between my lips. i could smell the tobacco, taste the filter. it all felt so familiar but foreign at the same time.
then i lit it.... took a puff. and let it out.
it was horrible. more horrible then two weeks before when i smoked one. it was the worst taste i had ever encountered. i only took two more puffs before letting it burn out.
now, im still trying to figure out why i did it or why it was so awful to me now. ive been smoking the same cigarettes for almost a year now. i dont understand why it my opinion of them would change.
Philippians 3: 12-14 says "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
This gives me comfort in Christ to know that I may fail because I havent taken hold of my addictions yet But for as long as i am on the right road and working towards living a life for Christ i will overcome it all.
After i smoked that cigarette I felt a strange comfort. Not a comfort of the cigarette but the comfort of God. Knowing that he forgave me for my actions and knowing that i was one step closer to overcoming my addiction to cigarettes.
I hope you look into your life and think about your addictions. It may not be something destructive like smoking or drinking, but it may be something small that you havent thought of being an addiction. my challenge to you is to address it. Be aware of it. And challenge it. Talk to God about it. Give it to God and watch Him transform your life.
-God Bless
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