im tired.
im tired of trying.
im tired of getting hurt
and i am so tired of crying.
by the way, i cant believe i have christmas music on and im crying!! this is unheard of.
i feel like i have no one. i feel like my problem is so small and unimportant compared to other problems in the world and in the lives of people around me. but im still hurting.
im tired of investing in people. im tired of investing in people and not being invested in. its not fair. i was always taught to give with out expecting to receive but no one tells you how hard it is when you give and give and give to people to receive close to nothing back.
im tired of hurting. why do i let people into my heart that are no where deserving of it? all i want to do is love someone and be loved back. i have SO MUCH to offer. i was even told that by someone i was trying to offer everything to. and then he just hands my love back to me and says "no thanks". that hurts! i know that there is a bigger picture and i know that there are lessons to be learned before we can truly have all of the gifts God has planned for our lives but why must it hurt so bad?
i hate that when i start to really take care of me and my needs someone comes along and sweeps me up, or should i say i sweep myself up in that person. in July i was in a great place. losing weight, creating healthy friendships, and living a productive life. then came along someone that i gave every bit of my attention to. its what i do,. I AM A GIVER. it is natural for me. but also bad for me. i give and i give and i give.
even after we have been broken up, i keep giving!!! i want to let go. i want to forget. i want to be done. but for some stupid reason i cant let it go. even after talking with him and hearing how he really feels nothing, doesnt really care, im not his concern anymore. but once he is lonely or "misses me" i have a text from him and i flock to him. or clear my schedule to be there for him. I KEEP GIVING.
this is nonesense. and completely horrible "blogging etiquette" but it was either word vomiting all over my blog or writing something stupid and juvenille on Facebook. i will take word vomiting on blog way over future drama over facebook posts.
the phrase that keeps going through my head is "I Dont Know What To Do" with my feelings, with my thoughts, with my future, with my right now.
and i just realized right now as i was typing ^^^^^ those words right there that i am looking in the completely wrong place for the answer.
tonight those words were soaring around in my head and so i text my ex boyfriend of a whopping two weeks and started venting to him and asking HIM what i should do. he OF COURSE didnt have anything helpful to say. and really just irritated me even more. as soon as we got off the phone i just bawled. i bawled for a good 20 minutes. had no one to call, no one to vent to, and almost posted stupid things on facebook.
lesson one: dont vent or confide over breakup to exboyfriend. (stupid girl)
im tired of typing and kind of out of words at the moment. this is a ridiculous blog. so sorry if you wasted your time reading it. im going to go listen to Christmas music and probably eat a bowl or two of cereal.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
7:I'M BACK! .... again..... :]
Oh man, how things have changed.
Can i please just start out by saying that God is amazing and i am so thankful for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that is in my life. i really dont know where i would be without the encouragement and prayers i have received from so many awesome people.
its been a rough road being back in costa mesa but such a learning experience and so many great things have come out of it. for starters, I have found a new healthy hobby to do with my time. Line dancing has been such an answer to so many prayers. as some of you may know, my old habits were starting to creep back into my life. i found myself at the bar one too many times with one too many drinks in me. Fortunately, i never went completely back to the dark side. i always had my head on my shoulders and wanted to fix it before it took over my life again. Although line dancing does occur at a "country bar" i have no desire to drink when im there. i have learned quite a few line dances and get a great workout from it. my best friends and i go at least 3-5 times a week. it has been such a great positive influence on my life. and i look forward to great experiences and relationships that come out of it in the future.
i finally have an almost full time job. i love working for 24 hour fitness in the kids club but the only unfortunate thing is that it only pays minimum wage. luckily loving my job is more important than money to me but at the end of the month when rent is due money is kind of important. and the past few months have been difficult but i am lucky enough to have an amazing roommate that has been such a blessing and encouraging friend the past few months. i am determined to make it work and stick to this lease. no running away or giving up!
i am looking forward to visiting all of my amazing friends in chico soon!! i miss their beautiful, encouraging, and positive energies in my life. i wish i would have stayed in touch with more of them but i know when i visit it will be like i never left. :] love you girls! see you in october!!
i think i am ready to try planting my feet in a home church. ive done a lot of self growth and soul searching and realized that its all for nothing if im not seeking God's will in my life. i really want to start going to a bible study and try to fill my life with loving and encouraging people. Life is so much better when people arent being hateful, selfish, and judgmental. i need friends that want the best for me and encourage positive light on my life. i know i already have some amazing people in my life but imagine how awesome life would be with even more!!
im really missing my siblings the past couple of weeks. i visited my sister, Natalie, recently and she was so encouraging. really being honest with me and encouraging me to continue making the right choices in life. my brother and sister in law's recent move to Arkansas has been tough on me as well. i miss them so much everyday. i dont think i have ever missed my older brother, Kyle, before in my life! but now i really miss him. he is always so entertaining and refreshing. and my sister in law Holly is always so encouraging and always wants the best for me. my little brother Jonathan has been away at a training boot camp for the Army. he will be home soon and i cant wait to see him!
so this post is just a lot of random thoughts and not very structured but thats kind of how i feel right now. just a lot of ideas and feelings going in and out of my brain and i needed a place to put them. im hoping to continue blogging as the summer comes to an end and the holidays start to approach us.
there are just so many great things happening in my life and i cant wait to share it all with you!
Can i please just start out by saying that God is amazing and i am so thankful for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that is in my life. i really dont know where i would be without the encouragement and prayers i have received from so many awesome people.
its been a rough road being back in costa mesa but such a learning experience and so many great things have come out of it. for starters, I have found a new healthy hobby to do with my time. Line dancing has been such an answer to so many prayers. as some of you may know, my old habits were starting to creep back into my life. i found myself at the bar one too many times with one too many drinks in me. Fortunately, i never went completely back to the dark side. i always had my head on my shoulders and wanted to fix it before it took over my life again. Although line dancing does occur at a "country bar" i have no desire to drink when im there. i have learned quite a few line dances and get a great workout from it. my best friends and i go at least 3-5 times a week. it has been such a great positive influence on my life. and i look forward to great experiences and relationships that come out of it in the future.
i finally have an almost full time job. i love working for 24 hour fitness in the kids club but the only unfortunate thing is that it only pays minimum wage. luckily loving my job is more important than money to me but at the end of the month when rent is due money is kind of important. and the past few months have been difficult but i am lucky enough to have an amazing roommate that has been such a blessing and encouraging friend the past few months. i am determined to make it work and stick to this lease. no running away or giving up!
i am looking forward to visiting all of my amazing friends in chico soon!! i miss their beautiful, encouraging, and positive energies in my life. i wish i would have stayed in touch with more of them but i know when i visit it will be like i never left. :] love you girls! see you in october!!
i think i am ready to try planting my feet in a home church. ive done a lot of self growth and soul searching and realized that its all for nothing if im not seeking God's will in my life. i really want to start going to a bible study and try to fill my life with loving and encouraging people. Life is so much better when people arent being hateful, selfish, and judgmental. i need friends that want the best for me and encourage positive light on my life. i know i already have some amazing people in my life but imagine how awesome life would be with even more!!
im really missing my siblings the past couple of weeks. i visited my sister, Natalie, recently and she was so encouraging. really being honest with me and encouraging me to continue making the right choices in life. my brother and sister in law's recent move to Arkansas has been tough on me as well. i miss them so much everyday. i dont think i have ever missed my older brother, Kyle, before in my life! but now i really miss him. he is always so entertaining and refreshing. and my sister in law Holly is always so encouraging and always wants the best for me. my little brother Jonathan has been away at a training boot camp for the Army. he will be home soon and i cant wait to see him!
so this post is just a lot of random thoughts and not very structured but thats kind of how i feel right now. just a lot of ideas and feelings going in and out of my brain and i needed a place to put them. im hoping to continue blogging as the summer comes to an end and the holidays start to approach us.
there are just so many great things happening in my life and i cant wait to share it all with you!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
6:____ is > ______ (fill in the blanks)
hello readers,
im back. Back from being gone for a long time. im sorry for those who missed me. A lot has changed. A lot. For the better, I believe. Some might not agree but they will get over it.
Now i know my past posts seemed extremely positive....which is fine, and i was always honest. but NOW, now its time to be real. this is me, Candace Cook, writing to you, The Reader.
A month ago i moved back to southern california from Chico. at first, i wasnt too sure about it. i made a few mistakes at first. but it was different this time. instead of blowing off my faults and missteps i acknowledged them and FELT the pain. which was new for me. i was ashamed of my past and what seemed to be my present. but then i realized that LIFE didnt have to be this. I was making it into this and making it STAY like this. so i decided that LIFE was >(greater than) my poor choices. so i changed them.
i knew moving back home would be a challenge. not just going back to my bar, or my friends, but also my family. it was hard. they only knew what i had told them and what they knew i was writing on here. but it was so much bigger than that. it was such a struggle living away from them and my life. the hardest part was seeing the disapproval form back in my families eyes as i disappeared for weekends at a time to go back to costa mesa to see friends. i always thought to myself "if only they knew what's really going on". because they didnt. so i learned that FAMILY is > secrets. so i opened up. i was honest. it lead to a few quarrels. but in the end i know it made certain relationships stronger. and then i learned that being HONEST is > lies and assumptions.
so im unemployed....weirdest thing in my life right now. i feel like im wandering....with no direction. which is hard for a girl like me. i like direction. i like structure. but the past few weeks im learning that TIME is > no time at all. life is so short....always heard that being said...never felt it till now. im not wasting another minute. i may not have a job but that doesnt mean i dont have a voice, or feet, or hands.....use them! experience things that still exist....make things that dont already exist..... LIVING is> wasting life. so dont.
now some may notice that in the past im talking about God and Jesus alot. and quoting the bible. well, i still LOVE God and Jesus VERY much. but im trying to find my OWN direction. im in the middle of a church hunt. i need a place to worship where i am comfortable and dont already have an established rank because of my last name. I need a place where i can be myself and dont already have my story written for me. a SACRED PLACE with broken people is > a FANCY BUILDING with fancy people.
i hope you all understand where im going with this. im just being real. im being honest. im being ME.
so what would you fill the blanks in with? ______ is > _______
im back. Back from being gone for a long time. im sorry for those who missed me. A lot has changed. A lot. For the better, I believe. Some might not agree but they will get over it.
Now i know my past posts seemed extremely positive....which is fine, and i was always honest. but NOW, now its time to be real. this is me, Candace Cook, writing to you, The Reader.
A month ago i moved back to southern california from Chico. at first, i wasnt too sure about it. i made a few mistakes at first. but it was different this time. instead of blowing off my faults and missteps i acknowledged them and FELT the pain. which was new for me. i was ashamed of my past and what seemed to be my present. but then i realized that LIFE didnt have to be this. I was making it into this and making it STAY like this. so i decided that LIFE was >(greater than) my poor choices. so i changed them.
i knew moving back home would be a challenge. not just going back to my bar, or my friends, but also my family. it was hard. they only knew what i had told them and what they knew i was writing on here. but it was so much bigger than that. it was such a struggle living away from them and my life. the hardest part was seeing the disapproval form back in my families eyes as i disappeared for weekends at a time to go back to costa mesa to see friends. i always thought to myself "if only they knew what's really going on". because they didnt. so i learned that FAMILY is > secrets. so i opened up. i was honest. it lead to a few quarrels. but in the end i know it made certain relationships stronger. and then i learned that being HONEST is > lies and assumptions.
so im unemployed....weirdest thing in my life right now. i feel like im wandering....with no direction. which is hard for a girl like me. i like direction. i like structure. but the past few weeks im learning that TIME is > no time at all. life is so short....always heard that being said...never felt it till now. im not wasting another minute. i may not have a job but that doesnt mean i dont have a voice, or feet, or hands.....use them! experience things that still exist....make things that dont already exist..... LIVING is> wasting life. so dont.
now some may notice that in the past im talking about God and Jesus alot. and quoting the bible. well, i still LOVE God and Jesus VERY much. but im trying to find my OWN direction. im in the middle of a church hunt. i need a place to worship where i am comfortable and dont already have an established rank because of my last name. I need a place where i can be myself and dont already have my story written for me. a SACRED PLACE with broken people is > a FANCY BUILDING with fancy people.
i hope you all understand where im going with this. im just being real. im being honest. im being ME.
so what would you fill the blanks in with? ______ is > _______
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