i am going to be honest with you, the past two weeks have been hard. Which is why i havent written a blog in a while. i have thought about i but could never think of a reason or a topic to write about. honestly, i dont really feel like writing this right now but something is pulling me to do so. so here i am writing to you, who ever you are out there.
i feel like im at a stand still. i feel disconnected all of a sudden. im not in the word, im not taking quiet time, and im avoiding group gatherings. i havent slipped up with smoking or drinking. i havent even really been tempted all that much. i just feel like im pulling away from what i used to find comfort in. i started seeing a church pastor for counseling last week. and i have learned so much about my past that i never knew before. im connecting actions i did with things that happened in my childhood. its crazy how we are the product of our raising when we dont even realize it. or when we think we were raised in a perfect family but really no ones perfect.
i have been missing my friends back home A LOT.. i miss the fun we had, alcohol involved or not. i enjoy my new Chico friends too but there is a connection i am missing with them. i have many years with my friends back home and a different relation to them than i do with friends out here. i have learned from moving that i am a person who needs a "best friend". that person that gets you when you speak or when you dont. they know everything about you and love you no matter what you have done. they are there no matter what hour of the night, or morning. i need this connection, this kind of love. and i dont have it here.
one of my biggest fears is not making it up here. my job is already coming to an end most likely this week and i do not have a job lined up to move on to. i honestly dont know what im going to do. i have a business idea that im hoping will launch pretty soon but thats such a risk hoping that people will buy my services and relying on that income for my future. i know i should trust God and know that he is in control but sometimes that is just really hard to do.
i hate that im in such a cynical mood. i hate that i really dont have anything positive for you in this blog. i think this blog is a request. a request for prayer, or support and for love. i need you to pray that god guides me and that i allow Him to guide my life through these hard times. I need you to support me even though im being rather negative. and i need your love so that i know its going to be okay. i just hope that i can get through this rut soon. i hate being mopie or sad.
on a lighter note: as of Wednesday November 2, 2011 i will be sober for 2 months! yay me! im just hoping i dont screw it all up when i go home for thanksgiving. i dont plan on screwing up but mistakes happen.
sorry again for not being my usual self in this post. like i said, i really didnt want to write it but God wanted me to let you know i was having a hard time and needed some support.
so please have a great week and a safe Halloween. i will be wearing cat ears and drawing a face on myself, thats about it. =]
God Bless
Friday, October 28, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
3:Accepting the Struggle
"The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory for ever and ever. Amen" - 2 Timothy 4:18
i feel like society tells us to not show our weakness, to not let others know we struggle, and to "fake" it if we have to. i hate this about society.
this week was a very rough one. i struggled a lot. and i have no problem admitting that. i struggled and felt like i was fighting a battle but i came out so much stronger than i started out.
my cousin and her family went out of town this week so i had the house to myself. i was really excited to enjoy some silence and to just relax and enjoy my time alone. but it turned into isolation. before i left for norcal my therapist told me that isolation was something i didnt want to get myself into. i would find negative comfort in it and be drawn to it and thats exactly what happened.
it doesnt help that i had just started watching The Office from season one last week and was determined to finish all 7 seasons ASAP.
so the first night they were gone i declared it a night for The Office marathon. i ate cereal and laid in bed till 2 in the morning while watching episode after episode of The Office. it didnt bother me the first night. but then i noticed that the next day i struggled with my cigarette addiction again. i gave in. i smoked an entire cigarette....i was ashamed. and i didnt know why i gave in so easily.
the next night i was supposed to go to the CRU meeting on campus but i couldnt stop thinking about going home after work and watching The Office. now i know this sounds ridiculous but i swear i have a point. so after work i went straight home and watch probably about 5 or 6 episodes. the next day i felt even worse. i dont know if it was the lack of sleep or the lack of something else. i had ditched God and community with friends for a tv show.
i didnt want to admit it but i was struggling. i felt it on thursday. after work i was determined to go home and continue my marathon. but God had other plans. On my way home I smoked another cigarette. and felt no remorse. i didnt pray first and i didnt ask God to help me fight it. I just did it and it turned out i didnt even notice that i passed my exit on the freeway. I knew there was a community group meeting going on at the "Girl's CRU house" which was on the next exit after mine so i headed over, even though i really didnt want to. all i wanted to do was go home but something was drawing me to their house. i even almost started crying. i was about to break down and God knew i needed support from people who loved me.
when i got to the house i sat in my car for a little while and made a phone call. i called my friends back home who happened to be going to my favorite pub that night. it made me so sad and so home sick. i was jealous. i was tired of fighting the cravings and fighting against what I wanted. I was being worn down by the battle. i was at a breaking point.
when i finally decided to get out of my car and go inside i could hear that the girls were still in their meeting and i didnt want to interrupt so i talked to one of my friends who was in the kitchen about how i was feeling. it felt good to say how i was feeling out loud but i still felt resistant to what God was wanting me to get out of that night.
i decided to go up stairs to one of the other girls rooms and talk to her. This friend was the first friend i made in chico. she knows my whole story of where i have been and where i want to go with my life. she is my rock when i need it and an amazing support system for me. (if your reading this, i love you girl) =]
so when i sat down on her bed i just started talking. i poured out everything that was going on. i admitted my struggles and how worn down i was. i was tired. tired of fighting the devil and his temptations. i was ready to give in. i was ready to give up the battle. but she told me i couldnt. i needed to keep leaning on the Lord and keep my eye on the prize. eventually it turned into four of us girls talking on her bed and me telling them how i felt about my past and things ive been through and my fears for the future and my fears for my life. at the end of our talk they prayed over me. after the prayer i felt renewed.
i felt like God had revived me. He gave me new energy, He gave me a new outlook. I still have things i will struggle with and forks in my road that i will have to actually LISTEN to God and hear what he is telling me to do. but i am absolutely in love with the idea that God loves me enough to lead ME on the path of righteousness. i love knowing that God will ALWAYS be there when i feel alone and will ALWAYS give me the strength to continue my battle even when my feet feel like they wont walk another step. this, my friends, is the best feeling in the world.
"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness."-Psalm 41:1-3
read this verse more than once. think about it for a while. what do you picture? i picture myself in the midst of my struggles. Having a really hard time with temptation and God helping me over come those. i see God using this verse in my life a lot right now. God has delivered me in times of trouble and helped me fight the battle of good against all that is evil. and this week i got really tired and worn down but God was there carrying me through it while i gained my strength back.
What has God helped you through? Has He carried you through a battle field knowing you were becoming too weak to do it on your own? This is my challenge to you for this week, keep listening and learning how to identify moments in your life where God is helping you through a tough time. I think sometimes we dont realize how close He actually is.
-God Bless
i feel like society tells us to not show our weakness, to not let others know we struggle, and to "fake" it if we have to. i hate this about society.
this week was a very rough one. i struggled a lot. and i have no problem admitting that. i struggled and felt like i was fighting a battle but i came out so much stronger than i started out.
my cousin and her family went out of town this week so i had the house to myself. i was really excited to enjoy some silence and to just relax and enjoy my time alone. but it turned into isolation. before i left for norcal my therapist told me that isolation was something i didnt want to get myself into. i would find negative comfort in it and be drawn to it and thats exactly what happened.
it doesnt help that i had just started watching The Office from season one last week and was determined to finish all 7 seasons ASAP.
so the first night they were gone i declared it a night for The Office marathon. i ate cereal and laid in bed till 2 in the morning while watching episode after episode of The Office. it didnt bother me the first night. but then i noticed that the next day i struggled with my cigarette addiction again. i gave in. i smoked an entire cigarette....i was ashamed. and i didnt know why i gave in so easily.
the next night i was supposed to go to the CRU meeting on campus but i couldnt stop thinking about going home after work and watching The Office. now i know this sounds ridiculous but i swear i have a point. so after work i went straight home and watch probably about 5 or 6 episodes. the next day i felt even worse. i dont know if it was the lack of sleep or the lack of something else. i had ditched God and community with friends for a tv show.
i didnt want to admit it but i was struggling. i felt it on thursday. after work i was determined to go home and continue my marathon. but God had other plans. On my way home I smoked another cigarette. and felt no remorse. i didnt pray first and i didnt ask God to help me fight it. I just did it and it turned out i didnt even notice that i passed my exit on the freeway. I knew there was a community group meeting going on at the "Girl's CRU house" which was on the next exit after mine so i headed over, even though i really didnt want to. all i wanted to do was go home but something was drawing me to their house. i even almost started crying. i was about to break down and God knew i needed support from people who loved me.
when i got to the house i sat in my car for a little while and made a phone call. i called my friends back home who happened to be going to my favorite pub that night. it made me so sad and so home sick. i was jealous. i was tired of fighting the cravings and fighting against what I wanted. I was being worn down by the battle. i was at a breaking point.
when i finally decided to get out of my car and go inside i could hear that the girls were still in their meeting and i didnt want to interrupt so i talked to one of my friends who was in the kitchen about how i was feeling. it felt good to say how i was feeling out loud but i still felt resistant to what God was wanting me to get out of that night.
i decided to go up stairs to one of the other girls rooms and talk to her. This friend was the first friend i made in chico. she knows my whole story of where i have been and where i want to go with my life. she is my rock when i need it and an amazing support system for me. (if your reading this, i love you girl) =]
so when i sat down on her bed i just started talking. i poured out everything that was going on. i admitted my struggles and how worn down i was. i was tired. tired of fighting the devil and his temptations. i was ready to give in. i was ready to give up the battle. but she told me i couldnt. i needed to keep leaning on the Lord and keep my eye on the prize. eventually it turned into four of us girls talking on her bed and me telling them how i felt about my past and things ive been through and my fears for the future and my fears for my life. at the end of our talk they prayed over me. after the prayer i felt renewed.
i felt like God had revived me. He gave me new energy, He gave me a new outlook. I still have things i will struggle with and forks in my road that i will have to actually LISTEN to God and hear what he is telling me to do. but i am absolutely in love with the idea that God loves me enough to lead ME on the path of righteousness. i love knowing that God will ALWAYS be there when i feel alone and will ALWAYS give me the strength to continue my battle even when my feet feel like they wont walk another step. this, my friends, is the best feeling in the world.
"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness."-Psalm 41:1-3
read this verse more than once. think about it for a while. what do you picture? i picture myself in the midst of my struggles. Having a really hard time with temptation and God helping me over come those. i see God using this verse in my life a lot right now. God has delivered me in times of trouble and helped me fight the battle of good against all that is evil. and this week i got really tired and worn down but God was there carrying me through it while i gained my strength back.
What has God helped you through? Has He carried you through a battle field knowing you were becoming too weak to do it on your own? This is my challenge to you for this week, keep listening and learning how to identify moments in your life where God is helping you through a tough time. I think sometimes we dont realize how close He actually is.
-God Bless
Sunday, October 9, 2011
2:Overcoming the Cravings
If you have ever tried to overcome addiction you know what im going through right now. right now im struggling with three addictions. but im only going to talk about one in this blog.
yesterday i gave into my addiction to cigarettes. i started smoking when i was 18 years old in my senior year of high school. it was very on and off for a few years but in 2010, when i moved to orange county, it pretty much became an everyday thing.
Started out in the bars and when i would drink or hang out with smokers but then i started smoking at work and in my car.
looking back now it made me feel accepted. i was part of the "smokers group". when i was at the bar, i felt like part of the "cool group" because i was a smoker and hanging out with the bartenders on their breaks. or at work i felt accepted because i was invited on the smoke breaks.
so now my identity was becoming "smoker".
when i made my decision to move to Chico i decided that my 8hr drive was my last chance to be a smoker. so i bought two packs assuming i would go through both of them. God, is so amazing. In my eight hours i didnt once think of the cigarettes. i didnt smoke one of them. i couldnt believe it. after that i thought this whole "quiting" thing would be easy.
which it was for about two weeks. after two weeks i had my first craving. so on my way to work i prayed. i asked God to help me over come the craving. even after praying and talking to God i still proceeded to light a cigarette. it tasted familiar but not as familiar as i remembered. i didnt enjoy it. so i smoked half of it and put it out. i felt horrible for doing it but knew that i had, somehow, gotten closer to quiting by reminding myself how awful it tasted.
i called a close friend to confess that i had done what i did and she suggested i throw away the rest of the cigarettes. i did. which costs about $12.
I went another two weeks without cravings. then this week it hit me like a train! every day i had a craving. everyday i thought of going out and buying a pack. but i didnt. until yesterday.
yesterday morning i had to be at work at 6:45am. so i stopped at 7-11 on my way for some coffee. i gave in and bought a pack of cigarettes.
i held the pack in my hand, unopened, for about 10 minutes. then i opened it and prayed. i asked God why i had bought them. why did i give into temptation. and i felt urged to smoke one. for some reason i felt like God was telling me to smoke one. which i could, and probably was, very wrong about that.
so i took one out and held it in my hand for a little while. then put it in my mouth for a few minutes, just letting it sit in between my lips. i could smell the tobacco, taste the filter. it all felt so familiar but foreign at the same time.
then i lit it.... took a puff. and let it out.
it was horrible. more horrible then two weeks before when i smoked one. it was the worst taste i had ever encountered. i only took two more puffs before letting it burn out.
now, im still trying to figure out why i did it or why it was so awful to me now. ive been smoking the same cigarettes for almost a year now. i dont understand why it my opinion of them would change.
Philippians 3: 12-14 says "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
This gives me comfort in Christ to know that I may fail because I havent taken hold of my addictions yet But for as long as i am on the right road and working towards living a life for Christ i will overcome it all.
After i smoked that cigarette I felt a strange comfort. Not a comfort of the cigarette but the comfort of God. Knowing that he forgave me for my actions and knowing that i was one step closer to overcoming my addiction to cigarettes.
I hope you look into your life and think about your addictions. It may not be something destructive like smoking or drinking, but it may be something small that you havent thought of being an addiction. my challenge to you is to address it. Be aware of it. And challenge it. Talk to God about it. Give it to God and watch Him transform your life.
-God Bless
yesterday i gave into my addiction to cigarettes. i started smoking when i was 18 years old in my senior year of high school. it was very on and off for a few years but in 2010, when i moved to orange county, it pretty much became an everyday thing.
Started out in the bars and when i would drink or hang out with smokers but then i started smoking at work and in my car.
looking back now it made me feel accepted. i was part of the "smokers group". when i was at the bar, i felt like part of the "cool group" because i was a smoker and hanging out with the bartenders on their breaks. or at work i felt accepted because i was invited on the smoke breaks.
so now my identity was becoming "smoker".
when i made my decision to move to Chico i decided that my 8hr drive was my last chance to be a smoker. so i bought two packs assuming i would go through both of them. God, is so amazing. In my eight hours i didnt once think of the cigarettes. i didnt smoke one of them. i couldnt believe it. after that i thought this whole "quiting" thing would be easy.
which it was for about two weeks. after two weeks i had my first craving. so on my way to work i prayed. i asked God to help me over come the craving. even after praying and talking to God i still proceeded to light a cigarette. it tasted familiar but not as familiar as i remembered. i didnt enjoy it. so i smoked half of it and put it out. i felt horrible for doing it but knew that i had, somehow, gotten closer to quiting by reminding myself how awful it tasted.
i called a close friend to confess that i had done what i did and she suggested i throw away the rest of the cigarettes. i did. which costs about $12.
I went another two weeks without cravings. then this week it hit me like a train! every day i had a craving. everyday i thought of going out and buying a pack. but i didnt. until yesterday.
yesterday morning i had to be at work at 6:45am. so i stopped at 7-11 on my way for some coffee. i gave in and bought a pack of cigarettes.
i held the pack in my hand, unopened, for about 10 minutes. then i opened it and prayed. i asked God why i had bought them. why did i give into temptation. and i felt urged to smoke one. for some reason i felt like God was telling me to smoke one. which i could, and probably was, very wrong about that.
so i took one out and held it in my hand for a little while. then put it in my mouth for a few minutes, just letting it sit in between my lips. i could smell the tobacco, taste the filter. it all felt so familiar but foreign at the same time.
then i lit it.... took a puff. and let it out.
it was horrible. more horrible then two weeks before when i smoked one. it was the worst taste i had ever encountered. i only took two more puffs before letting it burn out.
now, im still trying to figure out why i did it or why it was so awful to me now. ive been smoking the same cigarettes for almost a year now. i dont understand why it my opinion of them would change.
Philippians 3: 12-14 says "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
This gives me comfort in Christ to know that I may fail because I havent taken hold of my addictions yet But for as long as i am on the right road and working towards living a life for Christ i will overcome it all.
After i smoked that cigarette I felt a strange comfort. Not a comfort of the cigarette but the comfort of God. Knowing that he forgave me for my actions and knowing that i was one step closer to overcoming my addiction to cigarettes.
I hope you look into your life and think about your addictions. It may not be something destructive like smoking or drinking, but it may be something small that you havent thought of being an addiction. my challenge to you is to address it. Be aware of it. And challenge it. Talk to God about it. Give it to God and watch Him transform your life.
-God Bless
Thursday, October 6, 2011
1:Introductions
i think its best that i start this blog out with a background of who i am and where i have been and where i am planning on going.
first of all, i am from covina,ca which is in LA county. i also lived and spent most of my time in orange county. i moved to chico, ca (northern california, 8 hrs from LA) because i was called by God.
this past august i went to chico for my cousin's wedding. after the wedding i stayed with my other cousin. who lives in chico, to help her watch her kids while her husband was away. in the one week that i was in chico i felt challenged by God. i wasn't sure at first what the feeling was. because i hadn't learned to listen for God's voice and direction in my life.
back in orange county my life was full of empty, temporary pleasures. pleasures of this world and not of God's world. I thought i was happy with my life. I had great friends, was just offered a promotion at work and was living "the life". little did i know God was going to turn me upside down and open my eyes to what my life really was.
When i returned home from chico i felt really strange. like i wasn't where i was supposed to be. i felt uncomfortable in places i used to love being in, and i felt like a stranger to myself in certain situations.
Less than a week after i returned i decided to move to chico. i didn't have a job and i was offered a place to stay with my cousin and her family. which consists of three children under the age of 4. i love kids but i have never lived with them. and boy was i in for a surprise. =]
the last week i was in covina/orange county i went out and lived my life the way i used to. drinking and partying and having a "great time" feeling like i was getting the last of it out of me. not realizing how much of a struggle i would have in the future.
i then packed my car and drove the 8 hrs to chico all by myself.
from here, I'm just going to say that God is GREAT and works in MYSTERIOUS ways.
i have been here for a little over a month now and God has washed away my sins and redeemed me from my past.
i look forward to sharing through this blog all the amazing things God has done in my life and hopefully sparking a light in you to try to LISTEN, LEARN, and LOVE from and through God.
-God Bless
first of all, i am from covina,ca which is in LA county. i also lived and spent most of my time in orange county. i moved to chico, ca (northern california, 8 hrs from LA) because i was called by God.
this past august i went to chico for my cousin's wedding. after the wedding i stayed with my other cousin. who lives in chico, to help her watch her kids while her husband was away. in the one week that i was in chico i felt challenged by God. i wasn't sure at first what the feeling was. because i hadn't learned to listen for God's voice and direction in my life.
back in orange county my life was full of empty, temporary pleasures. pleasures of this world and not of God's world. I thought i was happy with my life. I had great friends, was just offered a promotion at work and was living "the life". little did i know God was going to turn me upside down and open my eyes to what my life really was.
When i returned home from chico i felt really strange. like i wasn't where i was supposed to be. i felt uncomfortable in places i used to love being in, and i felt like a stranger to myself in certain situations.
Less than a week after i returned i decided to move to chico. i didn't have a job and i was offered a place to stay with my cousin and her family. which consists of three children under the age of 4. i love kids but i have never lived with them. and boy was i in for a surprise. =]
the last week i was in covina/orange county i went out and lived my life the way i used to. drinking and partying and having a "great time" feeling like i was getting the last of it out of me. not realizing how much of a struggle i would have in the future.
i then packed my car and drove the 8 hrs to chico all by myself.
from here, I'm just going to say that God is GREAT and works in MYSTERIOUS ways.
i have been here for a little over a month now and God has washed away my sins and redeemed me from my past.
i look forward to sharing through this blog all the amazing things God has done in my life and hopefully sparking a light in you to try to LISTEN, LEARN, and LOVE from and through God.
-God Bless
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