3:Accepting the Struggle

"The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory for ever and ever. Amen" - 2 Timothy 4:18

i feel like society tells us to not show our weakness, to not let others know we struggle, and to "fake" it if we have to. i hate this about society.
this week was a very rough one. i struggled a lot. and i have no problem admitting that. i struggled and felt like i was fighting a battle but i came out so much stronger than i started out.

my cousin and her family went out of town this week so i had the house to myself. i was really excited to enjoy some silence and to just relax and enjoy my time alone. but it turned into isolation. before i left for norcal my therapist told me that isolation was something i didnt want to get myself into. i would find negative comfort in it and be drawn to it and thats exactly what happened.
it doesnt help that i had just started watching The Office from season one last week and was determined to finish all 7 seasons ASAP.

so the first night they were gone i declared it a night for The Office marathon. i ate cereal and laid in bed till 2 in the morning while watching episode after episode of The Office. it didnt bother me the first night. but then i noticed that the next day i struggled with my cigarette addiction again. i gave in. i smoked an entire cigarette....i was ashamed. and i didnt know why i gave in so easily.
the next night i was supposed to go to the CRU meeting on campus but i couldnt stop thinking about going home after work and watching The Office. now i know this sounds ridiculous but i swear i have a point. so after work i went straight home and watch probably about 5 or 6 episodes. the next day i felt even worse. i dont know if it was the lack of sleep or the lack of something else. i had ditched God and community with friends for a tv show.

i didnt want to admit it but i was struggling. i felt it on thursday. after work i was determined to go home and continue my marathon. but God had other plans. On my way home I smoked another cigarette. and felt no remorse. i didnt pray first and i didnt ask God to help me fight it. I just did it and it turned out i didnt even notice that i passed my exit on the freeway. I knew there was a community group meeting going on at the "Girl's CRU house" which was on the next exit after mine so i headed over, even though i really didnt want to. all i wanted to do was go home but something was drawing me to their house. i even almost started crying. i was about to break down and God knew i needed support from people who loved me.

when i got to the house i sat in my car for a little while and made a phone call. i called my friends back home who happened to be going to my favorite pub that night. it made me so sad and so home sick. i was jealous. i was tired of fighting the cravings and fighting against what I wanted. I was being worn down by the battle. i was at a breaking point.

when i finally decided to get out of my car and go inside i could hear that the girls were still in their meeting and i didnt want to interrupt so i talked to one of my friends who was in the kitchen about how i was feeling.  it felt good to say how i was feeling out loud but i still felt resistant to what God was wanting me to get out of that night.
i decided to go up stairs to one of the other girls rooms and talk to her. This friend was the first friend i made in chico. she knows my whole story of where i have been and where i want to go with my life. she is my rock when i need it and an amazing support system for me. (if your reading this, i love you girl) =]

so when i sat down on her bed i just started talking. i poured out everything that was going on. i admitted my struggles and how worn down i was. i was tired. tired of fighting the devil and his temptations. i was ready to give in. i was ready to give up the battle. but she told me i couldnt. i needed to keep leaning on the Lord and keep my eye on the prize. eventually it turned into four of us girls talking on her bed and me telling them how i felt about my past and things ive been through and my fears for the future and my fears for my life. at the end of our talk they prayed over me. after the prayer i felt renewed.

i felt like God had revived me. He gave me new energy, He gave me a new outlook. I still have things i will struggle with and forks in my road that i will have to actually LISTEN to God and hear what he is telling me to do. but i am absolutely in love with the idea that God loves me enough to lead ME on the path of righteousness. i love knowing that God will ALWAYS be there when i feel alone and will ALWAYS give me the strength to continue my battle even when my feet feel like they wont walk another step. this, my friends, is the best feeling in the world.

"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of  trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes. The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness."-Psalm 41:1-3

read this verse more than once. think about it for a while. what do you picture? i picture myself in the midst of my struggles. Having a really hard time with temptation and God helping me over come those. i see God using this verse in my life a lot right now. God has delivered me in times of trouble and helped me fight the battle of good against all that is evil. and this week i got really tired and worn down but God was there carrying me through it while i gained my strength back.

What has God helped you through? Has He carried you through a battle field knowing you were becoming too weak to do it on your own? This is my challenge to you for this week, keep listening and learning how to identify moments in your life where God is helping you through a tough time. I think sometimes we dont realize how close He actually is.

-God Bless