i am going to be honest with you, the past two weeks have been hard. Which is why i havent written a blog in a while. i have thought about i but could never think of a reason or a topic to write about. honestly, i dont really feel like writing this right now but something is pulling me to do so. so here i am writing to you, who ever you are out there.
i feel like im at a stand still. i feel disconnected all of a sudden. im not in the word, im not taking quiet time, and im avoiding group gatherings. i havent slipped up with smoking or drinking. i havent even really been tempted all that much. i just feel like im pulling away from what i used to find comfort in. i started seeing a church pastor for counseling last week. and i have learned so much about my past that i never knew before. im connecting actions i did with things that happened in my childhood. its crazy how we are the product of our raising when we dont even realize it. or when we think we were raised in a perfect family but really no ones perfect.
i have been missing my friends back home A LOT.. i miss the fun we had, alcohol involved or not. i enjoy my new Chico friends too but there is a connection i am missing with them. i have many years with my friends back home and a different relation to them than i do with friends out here. i have learned from moving that i am a person who needs a "best friend". that person that gets you when you speak or when you dont. they know everything about you and love you no matter what you have done. they are there no matter what hour of the night, or morning. i need this connection, this kind of love. and i dont have it here.
one of my biggest fears is not making it up here. my job is already coming to an end most likely this week and i do not have a job lined up to move on to. i honestly dont know what im going to do. i have a business idea that im hoping will launch pretty soon but thats such a risk hoping that people will buy my services and relying on that income for my future. i know i should trust God and know that he is in control but sometimes that is just really hard to do.
i hate that im in such a cynical mood. i hate that i really dont have anything positive for you in this blog. i think this blog is a request. a request for prayer, or support and for love. i need you to pray that god guides me and that i allow Him to guide my life through these hard times. I need you to support me even though im being rather negative. and i need your love so that i know its going to be okay. i just hope that i can get through this rut soon. i hate being mopie or sad.
on a lighter note: as of Wednesday November 2, 2011 i will be sober for 2 months! yay me! im just hoping i dont screw it all up when i go home for thanksgiving. i dont plan on screwing up but mistakes happen.
sorry again for not being my usual self in this post. like i said, i really didnt want to write it but God wanted me to let you know i was having a hard time and needed some support.
so please have a great week and a safe Halloween. i will be wearing cat ears and drawing a face on myself, thats about it. =]
God Bless
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.- Eph 6:10. Candace, rest in the fact that the Lord will fight for you...stand in his power. It's ok to go through a hard season. I think we all do, and it is imperative for our souls. We must persevere with God. But be encouraged that like a storm, it too shall pass and that there is HOPE of a different season coming soon. Stand strong my dear! The seasons of Joy are that much sweeter when we persevere through the seasons of mourning. In a sense you are mourning a loss of your old life, so it will feel hard and difficult. But allow God to penetrate you in this time, so that a new life can blossom and grow. It is fragile at first, but given the right environment it will grow and bloom into something even better than you have now! (wow, probably shouldn't have written this on your blog, hehe)But I love you and Kev and I are right there with you in this battle! Love Katie
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